I wonder if the pain in my abdomen is real or if I am somehow manifesting the fear. Fear, you ask. Yes. Fear. The Big C fear. Yea, that kind of fear.
It started innocuously enough, with a catheter while I was recovering from hip replacement surgery. That catheter placement was an hilarious episode all its own and j may share it one day. But imagine a nurse holding my parts while her and my lovely muse were cracking jokes and giggling. All the while trying to insert a tube up my…You get the image. Anyway, the catheter insertion caused enough troubles that after being released I made an appointment to see my GP about an enlarged prostate. We did the whole physical thing and it was during one test (stool sample if you must know) that some blood was found. There isn’t supposed to be any where it was.
The doc calls me and says to come in. I thougbt, “oh maybe we are going to discuss my umbilical hernia”. No. He told me the concerns about colon cancer when blood is found in the stool. I was ok with hearing all this. All the things I’ve learned over the years had come to mind.
- I cannot worry about things beyond my control
- Worrying does not change the outcome of any given situation
- Worry is a huge waste of time
- Do the next thing in front of me
- Take it one day at a time.
- Believe in something greater than myself to help me get through
- Rely on those that love me for support
- Don’t live in fear
- Have faith that all will be as it should
Those are good things to practice. Very good things and I do, for the most part. There are times, however, because I am a mere mortal, that fear creeps in. I’m pretty much okay with my mortality but then I thought, “fuck that, man! I still got shit to do!” Pardon the pun.
I am currently waiting for the results of a biopsy taken from something found during the colonoscopy. Which, by the way, is a whole other adventure. I had to laugh when the nurse was putting in my IV valve, or whatever it’s called, and said, “there, that’s the worst of the morning over”. What?
The sticking a camera up my ass, lady! A camera! Up! Worst of the morning, my ass! Oh, haha. That made me laugh.
In retrospect it wasn’t that bad until, I think, they took the sample. That was uncomfortable.
I’m a big believer in project ting to the universe is what we get in return, so I try not to put the Big C fear out there. The pain, however, is real. I want to believe it is gas or something else but it won’t go away. And I still have a week of living in that in between place. The realm of the unknown. Believe me, I try not to spend too much time there or in my head. My head is a scary place under normal circumstances, add the frightening prospect of cancer and well, you get the picture. Speaking of picture, I did ask for a still photo of my colon to add to the #project365, photo a day challenge I have embarked on, but they said no. Damn! Maybe the specialist has one kicking around.
I know on Monday the 23rd, I will have answers. Until then, maybe, just maybe this pain is borne out of fear of the unknown. Stress is a funny thing and will manifest itself in many different ways. In the meantime, could you say a prayer or send a good vibe my way? I’d be grateful for anything you got.