I could go into a long diatribe on self loathing, low self esteem, fear of success, self sabotage and all the rest of that psycho-babble that was thrown at me by a plethora of “experts”. But, I won’t. I could have all of those character traits and I could have none. I can spend time analyzing myself to death (I say death because suicide would be preferable). Oh my god! I said the suicide word. Did I just make light of a serious thing. YES, yes I did. And I can, because, well, because I can and because I have tried and failed. Should I relate my experience with my self imposed yet premature entrance into the afterlife, you would find it hilarious. I can laugh now, but the life that brought me to that point certainly is not funny, we, yea, some parts are funny in the stupidity sense of funny. In a Dumb and Dumber sort of vein.
Why am I sharing this? I have absolutely no idea.
The original intent was to share why I baffle myself, right then, baffling is the fact that I intuitively know that I need to lay down light colours first. Then I can add my darker colours. I have managed to turn that completely around and do the opposite.
Would you care to see? Of course you would.
If, you could see in my head (a dangerous proposition at best) you would know that there are a few lighter colours that need to be laid down. That is why I am baffled. Why would I do the opposite? Another chance to laugh at myself and carry on.
I won’t analyze it, but between you and me, I think my ego got in the way and it gave me a reason to write a post and show off a work in progress.